Faith Is Moving Without Knowing

As soon as I returned from Panama, I focused my energy and attention on doing what I believed to be my next step in increasing the chances of my book being published — growing my “built in audience”.     I believed this was a determining factor in who was ultimately chosen for the publishing contract that I did not win, so I set my sights on keeping that from being the case in the future.  Even though getting that contract would have been a great story of “living in flow”, I believed I was at the part of my story where I needed to persevere.  My gears shifted from allowing my dream to come to me (as a part of living in flow), to going after my dream by taking the bull by the horns.  In retrospect, I unknowingly shifted from a state of surrender (spirit) to trying to control the outcome (ego).

Without realizing it, ego had found a new stronghold over me — fear.  In feeling that my book’s fate lie in my ability to create a “built in audience”, every “like” or lack thereof  on my Facebook page and subscriber or lack thereof to my blog was weighted with the likelihood of the book being published / my ability to reach others.  Ego used whether or not my audience was growing or staying stagnant to drive my emotional state.  I was elated by each new “like” on my Facebook page and deflated when actions on my part did not lead to expanding the reach of what I was attempting to do.  It was the same for people’s responses to my blogs.  I became consumed with measuring each action that I took against the resulting outcome, as a way of finding assurance that I was on the path that God had laid out for me.  I thought if people were not responding, I must be doing something wrong — I must be outside of God’s plan (another fear of mine).  I had also fallen into ego’s trap of comparing where I was against others.  Why does that person have “x” number of followers and I only have this many?  All of this amounted to a week filled with fear and frustration as I wondered what the future held in terms of my ability to make a difference through the work that I was doing.  How was I going to get the information that I was producing, whether through the book, blogs or my Facebook page, out there, if people did not appear to be gravitating towards it?

The frustration mounted as ego used fear to keep my bound to it.  I was fearful of my book’s fate and what that meant in terms of my ability to reach others through the purpose and meaning that I had found in writing and sharing from a spiritual perspective.  I was fearful of my ability to align with God’s plan.  I was fearful of God’s plan being different than the one that I felt was possible.  There was just a whole bunch of fear going on!

I was completely knocked off center by these fears.  In my fear-induced state, my awareness shifted from a state of gratitude for what was occurring to a frantic worry over what I perceived to not be occurring.  As my focus zeroed in on what was not occurring, these fears intensified.  I began to feel as if the ground that I was standing on was being ripped out from under me.  Ego was hijacking my perspective, causing my hard earned awareness to collapse on itself!  Fear clouded my ability to be grateful.  It clouded my ability to trust and to have faith.  It also clouded my ability to get still, so that I could listen.

Ego uses fear to keep itself alive in our awareness.  When it finds something that we fear, it imbeds itself in those fears.  These particular fears are biggies for me, so my ego loves to imbed itself in them when given the chance, as was the case here.  This is why it is so important to become aware of our fears.  We can use this awareness to identify when ego is using a particular fear as an emotional or behavioral driver to help us shift out of ego and into spirit.  We can use our fears as a “go to” place to begin our analysis of what needs to be worked through as a way of regaining our center.

Fear is a great tool of ego, because it emotionally takes us out, blindly sending us into a frenzy of emotional and physical activity.  When fear lit a fire under my feet, I became emotionally consumed with thoughts of not being able to impact others through plans I envisioned and physically consumed with changing that outcome by attempting to force the growth of my audience.  Instead of trusting in the plans that have already been set for me, I attempted to ram through them on my own accord.  Ego used fear to accomplish what it set out to do — it shut off my ability to listen and follow.

It’s important to see that psychological fear is just another illusion of ego.  Ego’s primary goal is to keep us from having a relationship with our highest-self/God.  When we are distracted through the frenzy that fear creates, we remain blind to the one relationship that we truly seek.  Fortunately, as we come to understand our fears, we can eliminate them as drivers in our awareness and move deeper into truth.

It’s okay to take actions towards our dreams; the problem occurs when we become emotionally attached to the outcome of our actions as it relates to whether or not God’s plan is at work.  When we trust that His plan is at work, we stop clinging to ego’s plan and open to His.  I’m reminded of a lyric by Fireflight’s song, Unbreakable:  “Faith is moving without knowing.”  I love that lyric!  It reminds me that God has us exactly where He wants and needs us to be as a part of His greater plan.  Even though our ego sometimes desires that we be somewhere other than where we are, He is still at work in our life.  Maybe He is using us to impact someone in a way that we are unaware of.  Maybe He is teaching us a lesson that is needed to handle a portion of His plan that lies in the future.  We might not know exactly how He is working through us, but we can trust that He is.

When we trust that God has a plan for us, our goal is finding the place where we simply listen and follow.  It’s a bit like walking on a tight rope — we have to find the sweet spot, where we are centered in spirit, protected from the illusions of ego.  With time, I trust that I will become anchored by this sweet spot.  Until then, the journey continues….

Much love to all,

Shanna