Healing Dysfunctional Relational Dynamics
Inner healing is so so so important…
Not too long ago I witnessed the deterioration of a relationship between two people who care about one another, because they could no longer see where the other person was coming from (something that inner healing helps us know, understand and work with).
Instead, over a period of months, each person began to accumulate instance after instance that confirmed why they were right in how they saw the recurring situation.
Which, of course, resulted in acting from that sense of being right in how they perceived what was occurring.
One was frustrated. The other was hurt. Neither could see the driving force in the other’s behavior.
One barked words of frustration believing they were setting a boundary to prevent whatever actions were causing the frustration.
The other didn’t understand the frustration or the boundary, believing they were acting with an intention help.
So the frustration felt confusing and hurtful. Cause for resentment.
But the frustrated party never knew the depth of hurt their words landed on.
They only heard reactions based in anger, which fueled their frustration.
(Because the angry reaction was interpreted as not respecting the boundary, instead of seeing where the boundary landed on deep hurt).
So the deep hurt goes unnoticed and unaddressed.
And it becomes a play of frustration met with resentment.
The layers mount and embed as each reacts from their respective perception.
The frustrated party assumes there’s an intention to frustrate.
And the hurt party assumes there’s an intention to hurt.
With enough instances of perceiving through these respective lenses, each begins to see less and less of a possibility that it can be anything but intentional…
Further locking in each party’s view of the other.
This, in turn, lessens each person’s capacity to see the other’s humanness by strengthening an almost, inanimate perception of one another.
These inanimate perceptions become something that can be aggressively attacked (the frustrated party) and defended against (the hurt party).
Before long the interactions are only based in these one dimensional perceptions of one another.
Diminishing the space for grace, compassion and understanding.
This is the breakdown that occurs when two people (groups, nations, etc.) no longer see each other.
My heart broke for each of them because I knew if they felt and understood each other’s pain a space for resolution would open up.
These are not people who want to intentionally hurt each other. And if they truly knew how they were hurting each other, they would stop. They would begin working to resolve and heal what is taking place.
Instead, these are people caught in (incorrect) perceptions of one another.
Perceptions based in perceived intentionality to frustrate and/or hurt the other.
When we get in these one dimensional perceptions of each other (or groups), we’re interacting with each other based on the “tip of the iceberg”, never knowing (or recognizing) the nuance that lies below the surface.
Our humanity lives in the nuance.
Our compassion and grace extends space for this nuance to exist, seeks to understand it and allows for the multitude of behaviors and perceptions that can spring from it.
Self-healing expands our capacity to this.
It comes from extending compassion and grace to ourself and others as we seek to understand our motives, patterns of behaviors and perceptions all with an intention to heal the parts of ourself that lack love…
…so we’re no longer acting from the wounds that are triggered from a lack of self-love.
As we move down this path of self-healing, our capacity to understand and hold space for the motives, patterns of behavior and perceptions held by others expands.
And through this expanded space, unresolved relational dynamics can be brought forth and healed.
The more this expanded state is held and anchored in, the less space there is for unhealed dynamics to gain traction.
Layers of relational drama dissipate, never to build up again.
This is good for the person doing the self-healing and it’s good for everyone this person interact withs.
This is the power of being committed to a path of inner healing.
Keep doing your part. It matters to you and to every person you knowingly and unknowingly interact with.
If you’d like help working through any layers you’re coming up against in your journey, I’m offer coaching sessions and packages. Email me at shannacovey@gmail.com for more information.
Always Shine Brightly,
Shanna
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