Bringing Mindfulness to Relationships

I see it all too often both in myself, if I’m not mindful, and definitely in others who haven’t brought a degree of mindfulness to their relationships: irritation with another with no resolve (or understanding of how) to bring it to an end.

For couples, this can turn into habitual bickering, where their “go-to” response towards one another is constantly one of irritation, impatience and frustration…a quick emotional release through a knee-jerk reaction constantly aimed at their partner.

Half the time the irritation may be truly connected to some attribute they see in their partner, whereas the other half of the time it’s used as ego’s way to release any other pent up frustration that has accumulated throughout the day from non-related people or activities.

When both partners’ egos realize this avenue of “bickering” can be used as the instant release they’re looking for the habit begins to cement itself. Blind to what’s going on, ego begins to take over the health of the relationship turning it into its personal playground.

It seizes any opportunity it can to direct its negative energy (frustration, irritation, impatience, etc.) through an attack on the other, knowing that the partner’s ego will respond in-kind, keeping the cycle of negativity in play.

Without a degree of mindfulness, this cycle can continue over a lifetime keeping both parties stuck in this low level, emotionally draining energy cycle.

However, no matter what degree of irritation (or habit) you find yourself in, the health of your relationship(s) can be restored. It’s just going to take some willingness and effort on your part to see differently.

First, you have to decide if you’re willing to correct this pattern within yourself in order to have lighter, more emotionally buoyant and joyful relationships.

You also have to decide if you want to keep treating your partner (parent, friend, etc.) as your personal punching bag or as someone worthy of love and respect.

When you get clear on your goal (aligning with love / restoring health to your relationships and yourself, etc.), you immediately bring more intention to your experiences, whereas previously you were just (blindly) going with whatever ego decided.

Ego decided you were irritated or frustrated (insert appropriate negative emotion), so it reacted however it saw fit. This is key to mastering ego so it no longer masters you…you have to first see that you were being drug by the nose by it and, then, conclude that another choice exists.

Now that you’ve established a new intention with which you want to experience your relationship, the next step is to commit to habits that bring about that alignment. In this case, you have to re-train what your mind focuses on…

You have to move from seeing all that’s “wrong” in your partner to seeing all that’s right. As I shared in a post a few weeks ago, you move from only seeing the dot (focusing on what’s wrong or missing) to seeing all the white-space (all the good in your partner).

This is best accomplished through a gratitude list. Take out a sheet of paper and begin writing as many things about your partner that you’re grateful for. Spend a good fifteen minutes free flowing with this (or more if it feels good). If you’re stuck (because you’re still caught in your frustration), pray to be shown your partner’s light.

Once you’ve completed the writing assignment, pick three to five things from your list and write them on an index card. These could include specific memories that trigger you to remember some of their highest qualities or simply a reference to specific qualities that you respect in them.

Whatever you choose, this list should make you feel warm fuzzies towards them and put you in a state of deep gratitude. The better able this list is at eliciting this state from you, the more effective it’ll be. Keep this list in a place that you can reference often like your nightstand.

Then, develop a habit, either at night before you go to bed or in the morning when you first wake up, of reading the list. Allow yourself to really slip into a state of gratitude; don’t just read through it like you’re trying to check it off your list.

I suggest doing it in the morning because it’ll set the tone for your interactions that day, but whatever best fits your schedule will work so long as you’re consistent. Consistency is key because you’re tackling a major habit that needs correcting.

I like to think of the momentum involved in correcting this habit like a big cruise ship that’s been heading in one direction and then the decision to completely do a 180 has been made…you’re not going to just whip it around.

It’s going to take a little time to switch directions, but once you get past a certain point in the turn, momentum is going to return to your side…except this time it’ll be in the new direction that you want to be going in. 🙂

So stay consistent and be patient with yourself. If you notice that you’re still reacting out of your old patterns (it’s rare that this will drop the instant you change your mind), remember that you’re trying to turn that big cruise ship around…it takes time.

And remember, that the mere awareness that you’re reacting out of an old pattern is much better than the awareness (or lack thereof, rather) that you previously had…that is progress because you’re bringing an element of mindfulness to your relationship(s)!

Now, in these moments where you catch yourself reacting, forgive yourself for the reaction, go back to your list and bring yourself to a state of gratitude for your partner, sincerely apologize to them for your reaction and recommit to your intention of restoring long-term health to your relationship.

Keep doing this until you have the big cruise ship completely turned around and moving in a new, more natural, loving rhythm.

To restoring health to all of our relationships,

Shanna