The Problem with “The Desire to Matter”

One of the many desires that I’ve struggled with letting go of is my desire to matter in the world. It drove me to (attempt) to create a business out of sharing spiritual information…something that has the potential to make a difference in the lives of others (i.e., I mattered by doing this.).

It’s also what kept me fearfully clinging to the idea that this business had to come into fruition…or else I wouldn’t matter (or wouldn’t be doing something that mattered).

Anytime I was forced to accept reality—that my “business” was actually a hobby versus a financially functioning business—I would go into full-on resistance. The mere contemplation of letting this pursuit go would send me into a mini-meltdown…full-on victim mentality where I questioned why this was happening to me, instead of asking what this was teaching me.

My reaction ran completely counter to the following prayer/affirmation that I’d been waking up and mentally asking for months:

I affirm and pray to create and maintain for myself a life conducive to the highest path; a life that will allow me to live by my meditative mind, completely free from fear and reaction. I call for the courage to see myself with full clarity, leaving no part of myself hidden and unexposed. I call for the courage to see through every fear and hidden unconscious impulse. I call for the divine to lead me to circumstances and experiences that create such a saturation with divine love that the highest spiritual courage flows freely through me and is a part of my very nature. I am open to the highest peace and equanimity.

Despite this daily prayer/affirmation, I couldn’t see through my own self-deception…that I was clinging to an external measure (mattering to the world) to know my own wholeness.

I could understand this spiritual teaching on a mental level, but I couldn’t drop my emotional attachment to needing to do something that mattered in the world.

I was caught in one of ego’s many traps…attempting to your worth through an external measure.

I equated doing something meaningful and purposeful (i.e., something that mattered) to feeling whole and complete. This was so important to me that the idea of letting it go sent me into full-on fear.

Anything that sends us into (psychological) fear is of ego.

If we want to move forward in our inner journey, we have to heal our dependence on needing to matter in the external world, whether it’s needing to matter to those to whom your closest or to the world, in general.

When this false dependence is healed, we re-enter the world from a more unified state of wholeness. In not needing to matter (i.e., not being externally-driven), we extend ourselves from a deeper state of our nature…one that is based in pure love and joy.

Before we’re healed, we each enter the world looking for it to complete us in some way, shape or form. However, once we’ve committed to our own healing, this view is completely inverted…all efforts to know our wholeness through the external world are directed inward.

It’s not about withdrawing from the world with a superior attitude that says “I don’t need the world”. That’s just another side of ego. Instead, it’s about re-entering the world from a state of wholeness…one that says “the world has nothing to offer me, but I offer everything to the healing of the world.”

Coming to a point of consciously recognizing this means challenging all the places where we’re falsely depending on something outside of us to feel complete…

When I could no longer rest in the image that “my business” could (and would) fulfill me, I was forced to (psychologically) let it go.

And guess what?…

My world didn’t come crashing down as my fear would have me believe.

Instead, it was a huge release of energy.

And that energy immediately went into more constructive outlets like finding creative ways to meet my financial needs (since “my business” wasn’t). When fear is no longer in the driver’s seat, we’re free to operate in a much more resourceful and clear manner.

This was (and continues to be) a monumental lesson for me. It’s exactly what I needed to face and learn to continue to hone in on where ego has a stronghold in my awareness. And it was exactly what I needed to work through to align with the daily intention/prayer I shared above.

Lessons like these initially feel like life (The Universe) is doing something to us, but when we’re able to stay open to the potential lesson, we always recognize that life (The Universe) was doing this for us.

We’re here to learn who we are as souls…not to balance the security of our egos. The quicker we open to this, the quicker we get on with the lessons we’re meant to learn.

If you want to kick start your own progress, I encourage you to take a cursory look at where you may be placing any unnecessary dependencies…

Where does fear crop up in place of acceptance or surrender?

What are the things that you feel must happen for you to feel happy, secure, whole and/or complete?

What if those things didn’t happen? What comes up? Anger, fear, sadness? Can you see that this is your ego’s reaction to losing out on things that make it feel happy, secure, whole and complete versus actually knowing this state of wholeness through your soul?

Once you start to uncover these psychological dependencies, take time to sit with them while you ask yourself the above questions. If fear comes up, that’s okay. It’s pointing you towards what needs healing.

Remember, fear is a natural response of ego, so there’s no need to accept it as the final say on what’s true.

Know that beyond this psychological pull to know yourself through ego’s desires is a Self that is already whole and complete that’s quietly and patiently awaiting your conscious recognition.

Simply commit to moving towards this conscious recognition and God/The Universe will conspire to bring about the perfect set of circumstances, experiences, teachers, messages, etc. for this to become true in your experience.

You’ve got this…it’s why you’re here. 🙂

To letting go of our false dependencies,

Shanna