I didn’t see this coming!

Have you ever been caught in a moment where you wanted to say no to someone, but struggled to do so for fear of hurting their feelings?

I was caught in a moment like this a few months ago…

I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop having a conversation with another customer who’d come up to talk to me. My new friend and I were talking about what we liked to do for fun and I mentioned a few things, one of which was going to the movies.

When I got up to leave he suggested that we make plans to see one of the movies that he had mentioned. I thought to myself “that movie is old so I know it’s not at the theater”, which got me a little concerned, wondering where this was going…

I finally asked where this movie was playing and he said “any t.v. we choose.” Oh crap, he not only wants to meet outside of the coffee shop (something I’m not really comfortable with), he wants to meet at one of our houses! Is he asking me out?!? Oh crap, I think he is! Sh*t, what do I do?

So here’s the moment when we know what we want to say and do, but it feels difficult because we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Do you ever get caught in these situations?

You really don’t want do something, but you’re afraid to say so because you don’t want to “be mean”.

Or maybe you commit to something in the moment, knowing you’re going to find a way to break the commitment later…you just need to buy yourself some time to figure out how to get out of it.

I’m guilty of having done this in the past…I used to be the queen of back-peddling! Sparks would fly!

It’s a skill to be able to gently say no in the moment. A skill that I believe should be developed and honed.

It’s how you set boundaries.

If your thoughts and actions are out of alignment, you’ll experience inner turmoil. Being adept at setting boundaries is what enables you to maintain inner peace…the thing that is missing when your thoughts and actions are out of alignment.

I was able to gently decline the man’s offer. I specifically said, “I’m not comfortable with that” in reference to his suggestion. Fortunately, he responded well.

Setting boundaries from your heart is essential to engaging in healthy relationships (and encounters) with others. Otherwise, it’s easy to get bogged down with resentment and grievances when you fail to set them. Or maybe you set them with such force that it, too, negatively affects the relationship.

That’s why I stress the need for the boundary to be set with gentleness, from your heart…not from ego.

Ego wants to set a boundary just to be “tough”, “right”, “superior” or “secure”. This creates an imbalance of power in your relationships and encounters with others, which is also toxic.

Healthy boundaries are based in upholding the integrity of your spirit. Listening to your spirit’s desire will lead you in the direction of the highest good for both parties. That means saying no, as hard as it might be, is really in the best interest for both of you.

From this perspective, you can see that the “no” is only perceived as unkind or unjust from one’s ego. Learning to accept your “no” becomes the other person’s lesson in growing in wholeness (should they choose to see this as an “assignment”).

Now I know the majority of people won’t see these situations as opportunities to grow in their conscious awareness of wholeness. So you should not expect that to be the case.

Be compassionate to someone’s sense of incompleteness, but do not cater to it. It will only exacerbate the problem.

Compassion comes through being gentle with your “no”, not taking offense to their response, and, if the case presents itself, helping them to heal by providing them with an understanding of how to feel whole.

When you understand why someone would retaliate in this scenario, you no longer take offense to their reaction; instead, you have compassion for the root-cause of why they retaliated…your “no” preyed upon their sense of incompleteness.

A sense of incompleteness is rooted in fear…fear that they are not enough without your agreement with their request. You can understand this fearful reaction without reacting to it yourself.

Consider any areas in yourself where you take offense to someone’s “no” to a request that you may have made to them. Bring this sense of incompleteness to light, so that it can be healed.

You are whole and complete through your eternal connection to God (or whoever the Creator is in your spiritual paradigm). To believe otherwise, is to search for wholeness from your ego-mind…it will be a bumpy path, changing with each demand that is left unmet.

Doing this inner work is necessary to your soul’s healing. In healing yourself, you contribute to the world’s healing. It is your highest service to not only yourself and those that you have relationships and encounters with, but to all of humanity. The ripple-effect is tremendous!

You can do this. I have faith in you.

Do you have trouble saying “no” to someone or hearing someone say “no” to you? Or do you have a habit of saying “no” from your ego? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

If you already have a good habit of gently saying “no” from your heart, share your tips on how you’ve been able to achieve this in the comments below, so that we can all learn from your approach.

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As always, the journey continues…

With love,

Shanna