Recovering From Stumbles

This past year and a half has taught me much in the way of trusting and surrendering to God’s plan or will for me.  I have spent much of the past year writing a book about my journey.  When I thought that I was finished with the editing process, I was prompted to more conclusively direct my thoughts to the reader.  When I thought I didn’t have enough material to warrant a book, I began to have new experiences that I knew needed to be included in the book.  When I wondered how I was going to begin looking for a publisher, God placed one in my path.  So when I learned that I had a 90 day deadline to submit my book proposal and manuscript to this particular publisher, I simply trusted that I would meet that deadline.  I didn’t procrastinate, and at the same time, I didn’t work from a state of fear or anxiety over whether or not I would meet the deadline.  I could see that everything up to that point had been unfolding in accordance with Divine order, so I did not question whether or not that would continue to be the case — I trusted that it would.  I felt blessed to have found, and for the most part, sustained this state of allowing.

Unfortunately, this state of trust and surrender was severely challenged the week following my submission!  I became hyper-sensitive to all things that indicated whether or not people, especially close friends, were responding to the type of information that I would be sharing through my book (and was currently sharing through other avenues).  I was using their responses (or lack thereof) to gauge the likelihood of people being interested in my book.  Of course, this was all happening at a subconscious level, so instead of understanding my emotional sensitivities as an insecurity or fear, I internally blamed some of them for being unsupportive.  Instead of dealing with the root of the problem, I was stuck at the symptomatic level of fear and insecurities (blame).

It took me about a day to reach the root of the issue and oh was that day filled with darkness!  I felt like an angst-ridden teenager.  So much so, that I had to quarantine myself in my room!  I didn’t want to inadvertently lash out at my mom, an unsuspecting recipient for my pain body to latch onto.  Our pain bodies are what Eckhart Tolle refers to as emotional wounds (past pain and/or insecurities) to which we unconsciously react.  If we do not become conscious to our pain bodies, we stay stuck in a system of blame and emotional pain.  This can stretch on for days, weeks, and even years.  It can become the state of being by which we define ourselves, if we do not work to dispel it.

These cycles of darkness initially feel very gratifying.  It feels good to be mad, in those moments.  It feels good to slam a door or to punch a pillow.  And worst of all, it feels good to release the anger through biting words.  I shut my bedroom door a little harder that day and was a little shorter with my patience.

I tried to find comfort through quiet moments of meditation that afternoon, but instead, all I felt was guilt — guilt over my ridiculous lack of self-control and guilt for my self-indulgent pity party.

I had enough awareness to know that I didn’t want to be acting and feeling as I was being, but not enough to completely shake the darkness that I was experiencing.  Fortunately, that awareness gave me the ability to begin working through the darkness.  I consciously knew that the choices that I perceived some of my friends to be making should not have had such a bearing on my mood.  I could see that them not meeting my expectations was my problem, not theirs.  When I wasn’t completely blinded by my angst, I could see that they should have been free to respond in their chosen manner — they should have been free of my expectations!

My awareness pulsed with moments of conscious understanding and complete darkness.  In those moments of darkness, I was completely identified with my ego.  I played the role of victim to a “t”, blaming my friends for my discomfort.  With time, the emotional wave leveled out, creating a space of stillness for clarity to spring forth.  In submitting my manuscript, I had jumped out of the proverbial airplane with both parachute cords pulled, but instead of trusting that the path would unfold as it was meant to, I was still grasping for some semblance of control.  In letting the manuscript out of my own hands, I feared the uncertainty of its fate.  To alleviate that fear, I looked to my available indicators to afford me the comfort I sought — how those who were closest to me were currently responding to what I was sharing.  Instead of trusting and surrendering, I tried to assuage my fear through blame.

I was completely knocked from my center when I perceived myself as letting go of control over my manuscript’s fate.  The ironic thing is that from day one, I had been praying to align the manuscript with God’s plan.  It was never in my hands.

When I was finally able to connect the dots to what was driving my fear, I regained my center.  I recognized that I had already jumped out of the plane with both parachute cords pulled and that it was just a matter of allowing the manuscript’s destiny to unfold.  No amount of grasping for a sense of control would change the destiny that waited.  I simply had to trust and to surrender.  It was and always will be in God’s hands.

No matter how many lessons I’m taught with regards to trusting and surrendering (or any other lesson for that matter), I tend to require refreshers.  When I realize that I have just been “refreshed” on an old lesson, I usually get frustrated by the need to learn that lesson, yet again.  But recently, I have decided to reframe how I am viewing these “refreshers”.  One of the biggest things that I have noted is that the time from darkness to light has significantly decreased with each “refresher”.  Even though I still fall prey to ego, my awareness is continuing to grow (which decreases the time that ego has a hold on me).

I liken learning to stay centered with building any new skill.

When I trained in Wing-Tzun (a form of martial arts) we always started a new skill by practicing it in perfect conditions.  When we first learned to chain punch, we statically stood in front of a wall bag and repeatedly practiced our chain punching skills.  Once we became proficient in those conditions, an element of pressure was added, such as doing drills with someone else (a live person instead of an inanimate wall bag).  When we advanced to this new set of conditions, our form would be stressed under the new pressure causing it to collapse at times.  We would then work to strengthen our form under this new pressure.  The more we practiced under this additional pressure, the more able we were to maintain our form in these advanced conditions.

Shifting out of ego and into spirit is skill building.  We first learn about the inner workings of ego by reading about them.  We, then, consciously choose to not let ego be a driving force in our awareness.  The conscious choice is not enough to overcome past conditioning (ego) — we have to practice.  We become proficient in handling low pressure ego situations and slowly progress to handling high pressure ego situations.  Within this progression, we might feel like we have instances of complete regression.  The truth is, our form just collapsed under the new pressure, but because of the basic skills that we have in place, we tend to regroup (or get centered) at a much quicker rate.  In this way, the time from darkness to light is minimized with each lesson.  In viewing “refreshers” through this new prism, I welcome them as a way of continuously increasing my ability to live from spirit.

As always, the journey continues…

Much love to all,

Shanna