Generosity

How hard is it to accept the generosity of others?  Is it easier to be the one giving the generosity than receiving it?  Do I give with or without expectations of others?  Do I receive with or without feeling an inclination to balance the scales?  These are the questions that I came to contemplate in lieu of a couple of interesting experiences that I encountered today.

Ever since we started the kindness-inspired Pay It Forward Friday initiative, I had yet to have the first-hand experience of interacting with the person, who received my pay it forward gift.  Since I had been arriving at the coffee shop after the morning rush, no one was ever in line behind me.  To accommodate for this, I would simply ask the barista to put the next person’s coffee on my account (or if I was not at my usual coffee shop, I left $5 with the cashier and asked them to put it towards the next person’s purchase).  Today when I walked into the coffee shop, I noticed that someone was in line ahead of me, who had not yet paid for their purchase.  I saw this as my opportunity and quickly offered to pay for her drink, while attempting to hand her the card with the Pay It Forward information on it.

To my utter surprise, she said no and brushed my offer away as if it was somehow tainted!  I tried to recover by explaining that it was simply a gesture of kindness.  Her entire demeanor was against my offer.  She slightly recoiled from me and waved her hands towards me as if to make me and my offer disappear as quickly as we had appeared.  I felt mortified!  My cheeks reddened as I wondered who was witnessing this embarrassing disaster of an attempt to pay it forward.  I quickly tried to pull it together before my embarrassment and sense of rejection became apparent for all to see.  I was so shocked by what had happened, that I put my Pay It Forward Friday card back into my bag and decided that the coffee shop was not to be where today’s gesture of kindness would materialize.  (Maybe God was simply trying to direct my efforts elsewhere.)

After getting my coffee, I attempted to sit down and read, but my mind was still reeling from the experience.  Had I committed a social faux pas in making this offer to someone, who clearly did not need “help” paying her way in this world?  Had she mistaken my offer of kindness for an offer of unnecessary charity?  I think I was most shocked by the way in which she said no (like me and my offer were dirty) versus the fact that she had said no.  For this reason, my first inclination was to become angry with her, although I know that it wasn’t a productive response.

After I let my wave of anger run its course, I started to think about how often I had reflexively said no to someone’s offer of generosity.  Why just this morning a close friend of mine had extended a generous offer to me and I had initially said no, believing it was too much to offer.  At the time, I hadn’t considered how it felt for her to extend the offer.  I just thought it was “too much to offer”, and for that reason, thought I should not allow her to do that for me.  Boy, was I getting a taste of my own medicine!  Granted, I never treated my friend’s offer as being tainted!

Today’s experiences are really making me evaluate whether or not I’m a good receiver of other people’s generosity.  I absolutely love sharing my abundance with others and constantly dream of how I could share in greater ways.  But regarding my friend’s offer of generosity, I did not even consider how good it might have felt for her to share her abundance in the way in which she had offered.  I skipped over that perspective and only saw it from my perspective, feeling that it was too much.  I can now see the flaw in my thinking!

In attempting to make a determination of what is reasonable for someone else to offer us, we risk taking away how good it feels for them to make the offer in the first place.  As my aforementioned experience revealed, it doesn’t feel good to be rejected when making a gesture of generosity!

Some people don’t like to receive gifts because they feel indebted to the person who gave them the gift.  I didn’t feel that way with regards to my friend’s offer, but I’m wondering if the lady at the coffee shop felt that way.  Maybe she just didn’t like the idea of receiving something within a model that didn’t allow her to repay the gift (even though that’s counter to the entire concept of Pay It Forward Friday!).  This reminds me of Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.  He hates the idea of receiving gifts, because he drives himself crazy trying to figure out how to exchange a gift of equal value (sharing his first Christmas with Penny was a challenge for him, because he had no way of gauging how much Penny would spend on him, and thus, couldn’t figure out what to get her!).  Maybe the lady at the coffee shop, like Sheldon, didn’t want to feel that she had an unpaid balance looming in the Universe (she said no, before she even heard me explain the idea of Pay It Forward Friday and when I attempted to explain it, she remained closed).

The idea of indebtedness (or ticking and tallying) is of ego.  As much as I can identify these actions as being of ego, I still fall prey to them.  I still tend to notice when someone pays for my food or movie ticket and I work to quickly “get them back” by paying for something of equal value for them.  I guess I don’t want my unpaid balances looming in the Universe either.  So, can I simply accept an offer of generosity, such as these, and not feel a desire to “get that person back”?  History shows that I like to right these imbalances for fear of being perceived as having taken advantage of the other person’s generosity.  When I think about it, it’s a silly fear, because I don’t mind picking up the tab for others in instances like these, and in most moments of generosity, I don’t wonder when I’ll be paid back.  I do feel that my generosity has been taken advantage of by some, and it is with those people, that I notice whether or not they “get me back”.  The fact that I noticed that they didn’t “get me back” means that I am of ego.  If I was truly giving from heart, in those instances, I would never place an expectation on them to “get me back”.  The purity of my generosity was, unfortunately, lost through my ticking and tallying.

Does this mean that I have an underlying expectation of reciprocity each time I pick up the tab for someone, but because these scales remain balanced for most of my relationships, I do not notice these expectations in those relationships?  Uh oh, this is not good!  Unfortunately, this must be the case.  How else would the outlying imbalances be revealed in my awareness?   Ugh!  More ego!  To truly be of spirit, I need to let go of these underlying expectations, as well.  Fortunately, in letting go of these expectations, an assessment of balance will not be given to any of our relationships.  Without that assessment, all of our relationships are viewed in the highest light (which is the goal of this spiritual journey).  Without expectations of reciprocity, resentment falls away, making room for love to blossom.

Regardless of the idea of Pay It Forward Friday, the root of giving is meant to extend kindness, not to create a tally sheet of who owes who what.  If we stay centered in our hearts, we will not concern ourselves with keeping the scales of giving and receiving equal across both parties.  Instead, it will happen naturally.  We can easily receive other people’s generosity, when we know that we’ll respond to where and when we are being called to be generous.  We can simply flow to where spirit is guiding us, versus being motivated by ego to pay off the perceived debts incurred through gifts that we receive.  We also let go of any expectation of reciprocity for our gifts of generosity when we are of spirit.  We allow love to flow through us unimpeded (as these expectations only serve to choke the flow of love).

It is interesting (but not coincidental) that I experienced an offer of generosity that I reflexively declined, as well as a rejection of my own generosity, within the same morning.  Both experiences offered me an opportunity to simultaneously examine giving and receiving through the lens of ego versus spirit.  As I reflect on my own nature, I can see how easy it is for me to be of spirit when I’m giving without expectation of reciprocity (pay it forward, donation to non-profits, moved to pick up someone’s tab, etc.), but that I still have instances where I fall prey to ego in my expectation that my generosity be reciprocated.  I believe that God taught me much through today’s experiences.  The journey continues….

Much love to all,

Shanna