How to Restore Peace + Love to Relationships When You’ve Become Consumed with Frustration


August 12, 2014
Personal Responsibility + Shifting out of Ego and Into Spirit

It’s really important to be mindful of when we become frustrated with others, especially those we’re in close relationships with. When we’re not mindful, these small annoyances can quickly turn into huge frustrations.

Before long, our entire perception of the other person is consumed with these frustrations, causing the relationship to become strained. For some relationships this may spell the end of it or it could lead to a lifetime of living in this frustrated pattern, neither of which is ideal.

Fortunately, this doesn’t have to be the case.

With a deeper understanding of what’s going on, these patterns can be completely transmuted allowing peace to be restored to the relationship…

Our frustrations are derived from unconscious energy (latent fears) that have been stirred up within us. Instead of owning and facing our own unconsciousness, which is what is required to heal this situation, we blame the other person for the feelings that this unconscious energy raises within ourselves.

A step back to get a better understanding of what’s going on…

One of our deepest fears is that we are somehow incomplete. This desire to feel complete is what sets into motion the search for the particular “xyz” that we believe will complete us.

For many, it’s having a significant other, but it could be anything….for instance, with me, it’s finding fulfillment through what I do (the same pattern applies).

If our particular “xyz” is in place, we feel secure. However, if it’s not in place or there is a threat to losing it, our latent fears are activated causing us personal distress.

“But I’m just frustrated with the other person…I’m not afraid of them leaving?”, you say.

Here’s the thing…you have made that person (or in my case, “my work”) the symbol of what you “psychologically need” to feel whole and complete, which means you have a host of demands and expectations that they must meet to ensure they continue to fill the role you have assigned to them.

Every one of their habits and mannerisms becomes a potential threat to them no longer fulfilling this role for you, which is why these things are such a source of frustration for you.

When this person inevitably falls short of these demands, ego attempts to correct the situation in whatever manner it deems fit, to ensure this person remains in the role you assigned to them.

Ego’s perceived peace is at stake, so in its world, everything is fair game when it comes to getting what it wants. To get a better idea of what your particular ego does when it’s threatened, take a moment to reflect on how you respond once you’ve become frustrated…

Do you attack by harshly trying to correct the habit or mannerism that bothers you? Are you passive aggressive?

Don’t worry; you’re not alone in this. My ego also acts out in nasty ways when my particular “xyz” is threatened…

Anytime my “do what you love philosophy” becomes threatened, I get mad, angry and frustrated, because it triggers the latent fear that I need this philosophy to be functioning in my life to feel fulfilled.

These are prime examples of how aggressive our egos are when we attempt to rely on something outside of us to feel whole and complete.

The goal of a spiritual journey is to know the “joy of being”, which is independent of what happens in the external world. It’s something that comes from deep within, and once touched, is allowed to flourish in and through whatever we do.

When this part of our being is awakened, joy flows through all that we do and into every relationship that we have.

However when ego is in charge, we’re led to believe joy (peace, fulfillment, wholeness, etc.) comes from certain external conditions being met like having a significant other or doing fulfilling work. This creates a huge dependence on life to make us happy, instead of bringing joy to life.

Our task at hand is to overcome our reliance on the particular “xyz(s)” that we have put in place to fill our perceived need to feel whole and complete, so that we can release ourselves from this dependence….and know the “joy of being”.

Start with the frustrations that you’re currently experiencing. Begin by owning that the frustration is yours and that the other person is not causing it…they’re just the symbol of the deeper issue that’s taking place within you.

Then, own your latent fears, what activated them, as well as how you reacted to the person you originally blamed as activating them. Apologize for any hurt you may have caused the other person and forgive yourself for having unconsciously reacted to these fears.

Remember, it’s unconsciousness that caused the reaction…not the truth of who you are, so don’t get caught in the trap of guilt and self-judgment. Instead, accept, own and forgive the reaction.

Then, be willing to face the energetic patterns of frustration when they cycle back around (they’ll continue to occur, until the inner healing is complete). This is not fun, nor is it easy…but it’s necessary to complete the healing process.

When you feel the frustration building try to mentally remember how ego works and that this energy is not the truth of who you are. If this energy builds to a point where you’re struggling against it, start to take slow deep breaths and try to build on the space that your mental understanding of ego gives you.

Your goal is to keep ego from fully taking you out. If it does get the best of you, remember to accept that it happened and forgive yourself for reacting, then, get right back on the horse and keep working through the energy pattern.

Pray for help and work to create a space of silence and stillness within to continue breaking down and dissolving ego’s energy. The more you do this, the more light you bring to this particular energy pattern, which is exactly what’s needed for healing.

With time these dysfunctional ego patterns will die down in force and magnitude until they are finally transmuted and healed. As this happens, peace and love will flow into your relationships with greater ease. Without ego’s resistance, love is allowed to flow.

When we take full responsibility for our own ego and our own healing, each of our relationships becomes a mirror for our own healing. We just have to choose to see them as such.

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To restoring peace to our relationships,

Shanna

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